Week 2: The 10 Key Skills Used in Transformative Negotiations

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The Raw Transcript

So welcome to week, two of the negotiators masterclass. So the confident negotiators master class, I’m really excited about things from, you know, as we move along from last week where we really begin covered background territory rather than solid internal content. And that’s where we’re going to start and get a little bit more traction even this week. But I suspect that even with the little bits that we went over last week, which was really about trying to provide a basis for a mindset shift as to how you in you know, even approach negotiating, and how you see what’s going on, when you’re engaged in negotiation. That was what the endeavor was last week. And so that we’ll, we’ll keep building on that mindset shift as, as we pick up some tools, start to utilize them and have a slightly different experience because of them. So this is I’m, I’m all excited. But that’s one thing for me to be excited. What I would like to hear, I mean, I’m just curious that even based on what we covered last week, and I could, you know, we could go over, you know, there was the I introduced you to the three parts of your brain, you know, that the fast part, which is the lizard brain and the limbic brain, or you know, our survival, survival component and our limbic system. And then there’s the slow part, which is the part that we mostly identify with, in actual fact, as we think about ourselves, so based on that, and I’m looking at negotiation in a way, and I think I mentioned it, but you’ll hear me speak more about it, that negotiation really is based on that understanding of how we are as meeting one another in this negotiation process as being counterparts in negotiation. That what the negotiator a good negotiator is doing is emotional framing, in other words, helping set the stage for us to encounter helpful components, helpful aspects of our emotions, we’re not going to get rid of emotions, we’re not going to get rid of our humanity, that’s not the intent at all. But given that, you know, our logical brain and our language is not always fully, we’re not always fully aware of the emotional impact, what we’re paying attention to now is as much as we can, understanding how we can create, you know, a helpful setting for our emotions, rather than one that stimulates us in the wrong way. So we’re trying to set ourselves up for success in you know, emotionally, understanding that our emotions really do drive our decisions. So with all of that is just kind of a reminder of another way of saying what we kind of went over last week. And Hi, Beverly, great to see you in from Australia. Fantastic. Yeah. I’d love to hear what what you’ve experienced this week, just having encountered that way of looking at things a little bit more. If you’d like to, you know, just unmute yourself and then jump in this this kind of feedback is just really helpful for me to understand what you’re seeing what you’re learning. And I learned from you to me thoughts.

Well, okay, I’ll go first. Yeah, I was yesterday, actually, I was put in a position where both of our upper management there’s a very sensitive decision that I have to deliver. And you know, saying no, saying no, um, but then you don’t want to them to feel sorry. And but you know, it was tense, I bet I remembered our, you know, our class. And, you know, I took a master the courage to say no. But then there in it, I guess I didn’t do well, because, you know, there was one part, just one word that I said that they caught that one and then went with it. And then so, like, for the day I was out of the woods, but then I have to deal with it afterwards. So, but you know, I was, I guess it happened, because I was trying to find not excuses, but a word that will make them feel better. And then so it was based on my emotion, feeling sorry, when, you know, for them. So I wanted to like kind of use this comfort word for them. But then it went, they went with it. And I was like, oh, shucks, what did I do? And then So today, I have to deal with it, you know? So yeah. Oh, thank you, thank you for that, because there is a really good way to help prepare, to give people bad news. And I didn’t have that in my class plan until later on, but maybe maybe in the course of today, I will go over that for you. So So you’ve got something to work with, even even if we don’t have all of the pieces in place to fully appreciate but even incremental improvements in this, these areas, allow you to see how things work. And then just getting some experience with with it is what then helps build your those emotional muscles that emotional life fitness, because to me, it’s not just a matter of having emotional intelligence, it’s, you know, again, that tends to imply it’s all just up here. But actually, it’s building muscle emotional muscle for, for it and, and being able to relate in slightly different ways. Anyway, thank you for that. I will add into today, some little component to help you with that. Thank you. Yeah. Okay. Any Anybody else? With any experience?

Yes, I had a very interesting experience person. Because I started to go backwards to see the ways I was doing the theme negotiations in the past. And I realize that as, as I get more experienced, and more emotionally settled, it became easier. And that’s, but I also am training mediators. And I was surprised in badly surprised that they have very their mediators who are officially certified. And I was impressed that one of the like, the rules that they have, and they talked to the people, and they said to the people, is that they will not let the past get into the negotiations. And that’s the most silly things I ever thought. Someone can say. you negotiate with your equipment, with what you with your emotions, your emotions come from all your life. So I’m very interested in the tools on how to respect the presence of the emotions, but being able to work with them, because they know that in therapy very well. But in negotiations, they all these IP obstructions, the obstructions never come from the cognitive or the rationale or the logic. So it was I was surprised how, how, how scared they were of the emotions and they’re pretty breaking and and they are doing the they are the ones responsible for for bringing the the the negotiations of a couple of family to the legal to legal to the legal and to officially being divorce. So it was very interesting. In. The other thing that I seen is my defects and where I failed in the negotiations, even with experience, where did I fail? was very interesting. A lot of insights.

Yeah. Thank you, Rocco. And I think, yeah, sometimes the concept of a more traditional concept of negotiation that is often come out of the big schools is that it’s really you got to leave the the emotions out of the negotiation, men, but with robots, and yet, and yet, that’s not what is it? Chris, Chris Voss, a negotiator an FBI negotiator who deals with I guess he was somehow involved down in Waco. And he said, you know, something like, you, how do you, you know, have a rational discussion with somebody who, like in the Waco system, who believes that they’re the Messiah. I mean, that was just his, what happened at waco. The point is, there is that, and that just pointed out in that particular instance, but the reality is everywhere else with every other human being. You we’re not in a negotiation, we’re not just dealing with logic. If we were just dealing with logic, then you know, then everything would be very, very different. But when you’re dealing with fundamental beliefs, and emotional connections, and attachment, that are profound, that go beyond just simple mathematics and strategy, then you don’t that’s not what a good negotiator has to deal with it, you know, is not just the logic of it, or, you know, it would have been fine waco would have never happened. waco would have never happened the way it did, I mean, it would have happened, something would have happened. But then the point there is that our our decisions are not driven by the logic of our in our lives. They’re driven by our emotions, and unless we address them and frame them differently, and genuinely, and that’s the other thing that Chris Voss constantly says, You absolutely have to defer to and respect provide, give respect to even the worst hostage taker then we connect that with, you know, kind of like the some of the underlying premises of this that we’ll look at, and what we’re what we’ll get to later on today as we look at empathy circles. And that comes from Carl Rogers, who is a longtime, you know, 70s 80s psychotherapist, who really part of his premise and assumption was that everybody deserves he spoke about unconditional positive regard. But when you’re in a relationship, the only real way to relate well with another person is to have unconditional positive regard, even for the worst possible person who may be a counterpart, your counterpart in, in negotiation. Now, the chances most of us are going to end up negotiating with you know, a, you know, a hostage taker a pretty low. So what that means is, even so, every single person, no matter who they are deserves and the best way to negotiate with a person is to treat them with that unconditional positive regard.

When they are not treated that way, then there’s no way for them to engage in the solutions process. And the bottom line is, we end up in a negotiation because we want to work something out with another person. We want to sort we want to create a solution with the other person. We can’t tell them they can’t tell us I mean, We’d like to, it would be nice. Sometimes it feels like it would be simple and easier. But the reality is, is that we work things out together. And so the basis for that, for that to be an optimal outcome is to have that kind of unconditional positive regard for the other, no matter who they are, what they believe where they are with them, you don’t have to agree with them, you don’t have to agree with the other the counterpart all the time. And in will, I’ll go back into all these points again. And yet, a key piece of this is to engage with the other person without most respect. Strangely enough, even when they don’t deserve, even when, you know, those hostage takers are threatening to kill me might have already killed or whatever else, you know, in the worst case, types of scenarios, and maybe even that, that that other person has done some damage to you or to another person, and maybe they, you feel like at some level, you feel like they don’t deserve that kind of treatment. But the point is, and this is where the emotional fitness comes in. The best outcomes will come when you engage with that person with utmost respect, or effectively, unconditional positive regard. So that’s, and and having the muscle for that is not always simple, right? You sit across the table, from somebody that you think deserves to be, let’s not say what you think they deserve to be. And yet, you know, if if you can find the, you know, when we can find that capacity to still understand and have empathy for them, not sympathy necessarily. And this is where we’ll be going because the empathy is kind of like the core most powerful tool in a negotiators toolbox. So all of the skills that I’ll be going over later

on today will be more about how to do the empathy part.

How to help you be more effective at that at doing empathy, not that people go out and do empathy, they don’t think of it quite like that. But when we understand that, that that empathy is the that experience, by which the other can then more fully engage with you, and work with you collaboratively to come up with a solution. That’s where we’re trying to take these relationships. That’s where negotiation is trying to bring it. And then you as the negotiator are shaping the environment so that can they that other person, your counterpart can have that experience, and then not be fighting you, but then be helping build the solutions. Sorry, I got a little detour it. Thanks, Raquel. Marilyn, unmute yourself. And then.

So I didn’t expect to have to employ a strategy this week. But one did appear. And it was interesting, because you asked us to you, we had four questions that you asked us to answer last week. And one of them was, you know, showed kind of where we feel there’s a sticking point when we negotiate and, and, and not unusual for. For most of us, I really have a hard time negotiating with superiors, I tend to use avoidance or delay or I just cave completely. But I got a I got a call at the beginning of this week from the agency that I had retired from the hospice agency. And they’re, they’re the chaplain that had been hired to replace me had tripped over some steps in their garden. And so they were laid up for a couple of weeks. And so they said, Can you fill in for this person? And I, my avoidance, it was immediate. I hesitated I said, Let me get back to you. I need to think about that. So that’s how I handled that. Avoid delay tactic. I said I will get back out here. I said, just give me a time to kind of think about what you’re offering here. And so in the meantime, I decided that since emotions were involved, I would name those emotion to my superior, I would, I would open with that salvo. So when I, when I called her back, I said, Mary, you know, I love you guys. I love working with you guys. And I would do anything for you. That’s my heart. But my reply to your request is, uh, yes. But, and I said, What do you want to cover First, the yes part or the butt. And she goes, let’s do the Yes, part. So I told her what I would do. And, and then she said, okay, and the other part I said, This is what I won’t do in these two weeks. And if you’re comfortable with my, you know, doing the the Yes, part and not. And then one was home visits, I did not want to go into homes, I said, I don’t need a little bit of COVID. And the facilities, people are all following protocols, but the homes No. And so I said, I will not take that risk, but I will call them and make appointments for when the other chaplain gets back. And so that kind of we kind of went back and forth on that. And then also, I wanted some time, I wanted money paid for the time that I paid to drive in, because I now live in a country. And it’s a it’s a long drive into the main facility. And they did all that. So we, we worked all that negotiation out. And they were happy to take the buck part, I won’t do this part. And so, so that technique was Thank you, because that really helped to say, I love you guys, my heart is you know, in the past, I would do anything that you asked which was true, but but I wanted to negotiate something a little more amenable to me. And and they were quite happy to do that. I was surprised by that. So it’s like the, but that was very helpful. Thank you.

And I hope you have many more surprises. I think sometimes we don’t explore enough of what is possible with people, because we’ve already made up our mind about the way it is. And that’s part of one of the key things about a negotiator is having having constantly curious mind. In other words, not not having decided what it is allowing them to either move, shift, change, contribute, or perhaps just simply not be who you think they are. No, go figure. Strangely, somebody else we don’t know, maybe isn’t quite who we thought they were. You know, so. So wonderful. And I think though you’re already jumping into, you’ll recognize what you did there a little bit in some of the, I’ll get to the these are some situations where, you know, do this, then this, then this and as we go further along, they’ll be a little bit more of that. And you’ll even hear one, when I circle back around again, later on today to respond to Murli you’ll, you’ll see elements of what you were doing there. That worked that went right. So the fact is, with each week, you won’t get it all I don’t get it all, I don’t know a person on the face of the earth who gets it all. But what we’re constantly doing is just building in adding in new little pieces and and it’s to our own building our capacity and and building that confidence in in understanding the process and engaging in new ways. Anybody else? Any other? If not, not a problem. But if any other comments before we move on?

Okay, I’ll say something. I in personal relationships in negotiation, I have a very challenging time with my ex husband. Surprise, we have two children. And we had a call yesterday where we had to work out who was taking the child somewhere and we did not fight. Because I was recognizing, I get very defensive by certain things or attitude that he says and I actually was like, okay, there’s an outcome here. There’s a motion here. That’s like not I was recognizing that and I didn’t respond the same way. And we actually had a resolution. I don’t know.

That’s the thing is just adding in the awareness of what the dynamics are makes a massive difference. And then as we build on that, you’ll see Even more things that you can, you can do. And as you strengthen that capacity to say, and sometimes it says, and I’ll give you a couple of little little things to do just little body stuff, that just gives you the time. And cause cuz because it does come back to the fact that we are human beings, it’s the human element. And, you know, things that trigger us. And then there’s this cascade of, of hormones and chemicals. And then they take, they hit some things hit fast, some things a little bit later. And it takes a little bit of time for those chemicals to move on. But even understanding that these things are going on inside us, helps us better deal with what we’re seeing in front of us. Because you know, it, actually, it’s what’s happening in here. And it’s not just what’s happening in front of us, but then that becomes part of everything that we’re dealing with. So that’s exciting.

Yes, cuz I’m, like we talked about last time, I’m like, the emotional well, like, very reactive and my emotions all the time. So actually, that logic piece was able to come in and recognize that he was offering a solution that I could agree with, and just, like go with it was a good solution. So that part was, you know, nice, too. It wasn’t everything I wanted. But it was a step in the right direction. So that part two of like that it’s a compromise. And that was really helpful. So thank you.

Yeah. Now, that’s exciting, because then it starts to help you see that there are ways forward, perhaps better than what you were hoping for? Well, thinking about. So that’s exciting. Wonderful. Good, good news. Okay, so then, let’s jump in. So last week, we, I had to do that home, I Did everybody get a chance to watch that video. It’s not absolutely absolutely essential. But it’ll just be helpful when we get into the last part of this class. And the point of doing the empathy circles is more so that you can have the experience with one another, have this thing called empathy, so that it’s not just, you know, an intellectual exercise, but so that you can have your own experience of it. And in the context of understanding negotiation, and the dynamics that are at play, as we move on through all of this. So I’m just I will. Now I don’t know whether I’m going to do Oh, I have to ask Cynthia, that. The question you asked about the screen last week was was the slideshow in the background? And the and the video in the foreground was what you were referring to and your email?

No, I think so. There’s advanced controls now. And I’m not sure if you have them. It might I don’t know. Sometimes it varies with with systems. And yeah, yeah, totally. But if you share your screen, and then hit presentation, it’ll like fill the whole screen. And then there was a setting where you can you can kind of like put your head in there now.

Yeah. And there is there is one in the Mac, it’s in beta. And if I put the slide as a virtual background now let’s see what we got. Yeah, lucky, too. So anyway, now, now that’s, that turns it into a slideshow, which is I’m going to have to zoom through some of these. Anyway, so what we this is just pretty much all that we said that we would cover. So we did the approach and mindset last week, we’re looking at the 10 key negotiations this week. And just a reminder, this that, you know, these are the three parts of our wonderful glorious brain. And again, slow thing And fast

thinking, get myself out of the way of the I don’t know whether you can see that.

And it was just a reminder, I found this picture this week of this rogue wave that just about sank a ship we tend to keep.

Can we see that the one that was before?

This one? Yes. Yeah. And again, this was just more that we tend to have our eyes on the big waves and even pay attention to the rogue waves, the ones that sink ships and whatever. But the part of the reality of our life is that the deeper currents that are more complex, and yet still shape, our global climate, or yet, all of these emotions going on, this is just the ocean. It’s just the north and south and whatever else. But it was just a way to, to pictorially say there’s a lot going on underneath. Now, we’re not going to go in and analytically look at all of the different elements. The key point here is just simply to be aware. And I think that that’s, I believe that you’re beginning to see that so that we what are we what we’re really looking at is the reframe that emotions are essential in decision making. And that negotiation is the science and art of emotional framing. And so it does take all three parts of our of our of our brain to do this well, because you know, that’s who we are as human beings. But it’s when we don’t pay attention to the emotional component, when our analytical minds are just trying to come up with rational options and strategies, that we’re missing a whole lot about what’s going on in the dynamic. So as much as we need to, and there will be time and place to think about your key strategic, logical, you know, decision, your your preferences and outcomes. In reality, we also need once we step into the negotiation, what we’re doing is we’re mostly working with emotions. So this week, what we’re going to be doing, we’re going to look at the 10 skills, that that will go over one at a time. This the empathy circles, as I said, mostly so you can have an experience of empathy. Because this is this is the in a way, this is what we are relying on. We are relying on this reality about human nature of the human element in us that it doesn’t matter who we are.

That a core driver in in us is to improve ourselves and our situations. And in a sense, what empathy does is that allows us to give our counterpart, the chance to move and not remain cornered, which is probably which is one of the things that people often feel in negotiation, you feel it, we feel that we feel cornered by ourselves or by the other, we don’t want to move. But when we can feel confident that we’re being heard that there, there is empathy present, then people will move and the direction they move in is a good direction for everybody, they can then participate and contribute and become a partner in the solutions building. And in the end, we always need our counterpart to be part of the solution. Otherwise, we just everything deteriorates into just something that becomes utter conflict. And that’s not what negotiation is about. So and then what I’m going to be asking you to do in the coming week is to flex to particular muscles. Now you can do more, and of course, you will start and see other stuff. But I want you to focus on that in the homework that I give you, I want you to focus on on two particular practices or muscles that you’re building, so that we can group so that you know we all can continue to grow our strength and our capacity to become good negotiators. So that’s what we’re going to be looking at today. So just as a reminder, also introduced the negotiation process and the journey that we take in the week. So again, these five stages. There’s going to be you know, the lead in the situation, the circumstance that we’re addressing And so part of the preparatory process, and I’m going to go in depth into the preparatory process next week, just so you know, there, because we’ll build out to, you know, we’ll build out a one pager that you can use for preparing for your bigger negotiation issues. And we’ll do that next week, because it needs time to look at that. So stage two of any negotiation is really when we encounter and I call that encounter that deep, but because that’s when we, we start to realize and recognize that, that we are not just, we’re not just dealing with the words that they’re saying. And they’re not just dealing with the words that were saying, what is going on is, you know, were actually engaging one another at this deeper level. And so I, you know, I call it this echoes, echoes storm. And that’s just the you know, because we want to have empathetic engagement. In the stage, we want to kind of clear the path. And there are a number of ways this, it doesn’t get done with a flip of a switch, there are different things that need that can work very effectively, there are things that you’ll need to work out from slightly different angles, but part of what we’re going to be needing to do is to clear away, we need to be able to find a way through the, the apparent chaos of that moment. We need to hear and be heard. And so and then we need to also as the negotiator, and as the one leading this process, we need to have ways to keep us on track, or you know, in the very least out of danger. Because sometimes, you know, all we can do is at least hold a course. And that can be enough to get us on to see another day. We won’t always solve everything. But even just being aware that we are going to go through this encountering process that sometimes is really messy, muddy, unclear, but there are certain things in that process that you can trust. And that there are parts of the skill set that we are building trust with those those those skills, those tools, those little sets of things that we can do that that help us get through. Once we get through to the next stage, and there’s no cut and dried with any of this.

That’s when we can start to explore, it’s when when we develop enough of a foundation with the other that that then they start to explore new things, even we start to explore new things. And then that’s where the information that we often need. to craft a really good solution can come out. Sometimes your counterpart will actually have information that is key for you, they don’t understand that it’s key information. So they’re not offering it and even even if they did understand that was key information, they might withhold it. But that there’s this phase that is really one of exploration when important. key information can get uncovered, when you can start to discern between the needs and the wants, and they’re different. In a negotiation, if somebody really really need something, that’s important information for you, because then you then you know, what, you know, can’t some of that bottom line is, then of course, you have to decide how you’re going to proceed with that. But without even understanding what that really bottom line is for them, then it’s really hard to have meaningful discussion. So that reveal part is a really it’s a move on from the encounter. It’s on to where there’s exploration and revealing of information that can be very critical for for optimal outcomes. And, and as you know, these stages of revealing and collaboration, it’s really is a work of, you know, this the stage of working out what can become the final commitment. And and I introduced the concept of at least three different kinds of yes last week. And so then once you get to Have a commitment, then you start and work out the what and the how of that. And you know, and what the point here is, is that a negotiation hasn’t really been successful or come to a decent conclusion until you’re actually addressing what’s and how’s of the implementation. So as you begin to see how this all unfolds, you know, of course, then after updated, you know, there’s a basically a handshake or agreement, or you’ve, you’ve made it clear what is needed from there, of course, then there’s the follow up in the follow through, and remembering that your reputation is, you know, will proceed you, you’ll follow up and follow through is also really important, how do you follow through on what you’ve said that you will do, etc, etc, there. But that’s kind of goes beyond this negotiation process that we’re looking at here. So, again, just a quick reminder of the core assumptions, this self actualization principle of play, that was noted by, you know, Carl Rogers, you can look at it in and you can define it in many other ways. But we are just by being alive, we are driven, to, really the thing that we want to do, there is an a drive within us to be more to be better to, to improve this drive for more, it’s in us and it’s in your counterpart, no matter who they are.

And that basic motive within the human being is something that is important that we need to be aware of, is at play in the other, and in a sense, to really optimally respect that in the other person, so that they do become better, that will make our relationship better, it will help us all and down the road, it might even help somebody else that we care about. So they’re improving, is in our own best interests, you could say, in the bigger picture. And we do seek to have the bigger picture in in this. And empathy. In this sense, it’s we’re using it in a tactical way. It’s very intentionally were building what pops what so much of this process here is, is employing empathy throughout this, this whole thing. It is the empathy that will be the input of energy that is needed the input of potential for new creativity and new outcomes. That is one of the driving you know, the pieces that we’re relying on. So empathy, that empathy empathic process is an M that uncovers what’s underlying, but the deeper emotions that are bubbling up and that come bursting out if we’re if we’re not addressing them. Empathy helps us build trust, trust is essential for having an outcome and negotiation that can really develop I have good outcomes, that if empathy encourages exploration, it opens up the possibilities in ourselves and in the other. And it sets sets the stage for solution building and collaboration. So this is these are kind of the core principles of play. Of course, there’s there are other principles of play. But these are the core ones here that we’ll be looking at. So last week, we looked at mindset and what we were drawing on, and I covered a lot of this, it’s just very, very quickly at the end. I’m not even going to go through this now. Because we’ll dig into it. But I just wanted to say a lot of this is building last week we were focusing on mindset and curiosity and forbearance, respect, clarity, Know yourself emotions are involved, the wherein an infinite fast and slow game. And the things that we’re going to be drawing on we have to allow time for processing for active listening for certain, the certainty effect. We’ll get into that more later on hardware hardwired to reject unfairness. We are averse to losses, lots of these little itty bitty things that then we can specifically and strategically use in negotiation stages. And will I keep, I guess, in a way I’m reiterating these, so that they They’re in in your the back of your mind so that when we get to them, you’ll go Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And so that it’ll be much more useful. So here we are, at the 10 skills took us a while to get here. But in some ways, the none of these are really rocket science. But employing them is what makes the difference not thinking about them, or knowing of them, or being able to list them. All of those things are all very nice. But the important thing is that we start to use them. And so what point the skill number one I was really addressing last week, and now and that’s the understanding, and it really is that to really know this, this depth

of us, and to have that deeper understanding, because I think it’s as we deeply understand, then we have that capacity to uplift, we have the capacity to lead and guide. And so that mindset, and that shift is, I will constantly be reiterating a sense that mindset not so we’ve already last week, and earlier today being really looking at the human element thg, the human element that is at play, and how understanding and understanding those depths are right, what’s really critical. Okay, so the nine new ones, since we’ve already covered that one quite adequately, but I will keep mentioning it. Okay, then we have a reflecting back or mirroring. This is a very simple one. I’ll just list them. And then we’ll go in one, one by one reflecting and mirroring, identifying and labeling which I heard. Marilyn, you, you mentioned that you labeled your own emotions. And that helped when you then spoke to your your boss, even if it just helped you it clarified your position, and therefore how you then began to engage them in your negotiation. silence I know that Raquel and Marilyn and, and Beverly you’ve all had experience in in more of you know, in the work that you have done, how silence is an important tool. And it’s not like silent, nothing’s going on. When there is silence. And sometimes allowing silence to happen, you know, is is not a simple thing to do. But it’s vital. It’s vital for a couple of reasons. Paraphrasing, getting good at paraphrasing what you just heard. And this all comes back into your active listening or your reflective listening. There’s there’s a number of different names that people give that kind of listening, summarizing or telling them their story in your words, but with key points of their story. So paraphrasing, and adding in some labels is kind of how you tell their story back to them to summarize what they’ve done. So that’s another skill. So all of these are interrelated skills. But we’ll go through them one at a time guiding questions. This is where you as a negotiator can really begin to shape the emotional framework. And this is where you doing some work and preparations are important. But these questions and I’ll go into them in a little bit more detail. But that’s another skill. I statements. I think most of you know when we engage in, in relationships and things start to get hot. The ways to communicate through I statements are one of those ways that we can still share what we feel without accusing the other outright. But you can share what you’re feeling about it encourages they’re just understanding the different kinds of Yes. So I’m going to go into each one of those just a little bit. More. So, we’ve done we’ve we’ve looked at this understanding mindset, again, I want to underscore that this is more a mindset of a detective. Some people think in terms of detectives, some people think in terms of scientists, some people think in terms of Explorer, and you’ve probably got your own, you know, if you can, if you want to develop your own, you know, gravitas, so to speak your own concept of who you are as a negotiator, then use that as your own self image. And you seek to understand and to differentiate between the fast and the slow between the logical strategic elements and the emotional components. And part of in order to to be this kind of a, you know, to have that kind of a mindset. Sometimes it’s as simple as, and this is not just for hear, but quiet the voice in our head, we have to have curiosity about the other.

In all of these skills, I’m going to also bring attention to understanding your own voice. And, in a way, what I want you to think of doing is developing a cool, calm voice that you can speak from, and employ it. And it’s, it’s an intentional thing to do. And it helps if you get really excited about something, everybody’s, you know, anxiety levels go up. But when we bring our voices down, when we speak calmly, soothingly that too can calm the whole situation. Now you can use for, perhaps for to make a point, or to underscore something you’re allowed to have emotions to, I’m just saying that when you’re in the negotiation mode, when you’re in a place where you recognize that it’s critical in this stage of the negotiation, to bring the temperature down. Pay attention to your tone of voice. I want you to define and devise your own three second, negotiate a shift. Okay, what do I mean by that? I guess I didn’t go into this, okay. And I’m just going to use this as an example. And so you can develop your own. I put down here that vision drives decision part of the whole point of this this mindset is that, how we envision what we’re doing is in negotiation, it shapes everything. So I’ll constantly be encouraging you to see the bigger picture to have a big mind about being a negotiator to see that you’re a leader, as a negotiator, you’re guiding the direction of the outcomes. So your three second negotiator shift. before anybody you know, mostly before people go on stage, what do they do, they usually kind of go take a breath, get their mind in the game. Before you know before an athlete goes onto the field before the almost before anything you do that’s important, you kind of all but natural naturally. Take a deep breath, focus your mind. And then you get going. So it’s the same kind of thing is in part of it is setting yourself up for for some kind of success, for getting yourself into that negotiating mode. And so part of it is what I one way of doing this is to think in terms of taking a deep breath.

What then breathing out, breathing out, but as you do, what I would encourage you, what I would encourage you to do is also to swallow because I want you to ground yourself swallowing is kind of like a downward movement right. And one of the things we do need to do is to ground ourselves You know, in martial arts, or most other things, when you’re up on your tippy toes, unless you’re a ballerina, and you know, you’ve got your partner who’s going to lift you and balance you, whatever. Most of the time, when you’re when your center of gravity is low, you’re more stable. So one of the things to do is to recognize that even physiologically to ground yourself, it’s really important to do, because then you are more secure. So it’s just a little thing, but even just swallow. At that time, close your eyes, if you’ve got an outcome you want, let that outcome flash right between your eyes. And this relates to your preparation, which we’ll go into next week. But again, recognizing that how we envision things, Beverly knows this more than at a very deep and profound level, how we envision things is really, really critical to outcomes. And so our vision does drive our decisions. So just to have those Breathe in, breathe out, blink, swallow, envision, and then step in takes just a fraction of a second. But all of that just kind of prepares you for what you’re about to do. When we develop our own little, little things that that that becomes like a positive trigger. You know how somebody pushes another button, and all of a sudden, they just push that button and you fly off. According you know, you’ve got this old set of habits that just even if the situation is not at all that type of situation, that button gets that reaction to happen? Well, this is like setting up your own helpful button, creating your own anchor that is useful to you, instead of one that is problematic. So that’s that. So the reflection, or mirroring? Very, very simple concept. But when you’re listening, and what I want you to do is pay attention this week, and I’ll go over this is as your homework later on again, but just to find situations where somebody says something to you. And maybe you you either you’re curious about it, maybe you haven’t asked them about it before. So they say

I don’t think that’s a good idea. And then you would respond. You don’t think it’s a good idea. So you’re just saying back what they just said. But what this does is it shows that you heard them

and that you’re curious. And then the chances are that they’re going to give you some explanation. The point here is I want you just to test it out. I’m not looking for any grand, you know, closing of any grand negotiations in this process. But I want you to begin to notice what happens when you mirror and as you as that awareness in you grows, then then that just gives you more understanding of the dynamics of what you’re engaged in. Okay, Camilo, thank you so much. fly safely. Kamila just sent us a chat to let us know that he’s leaving. We’ll see you next week. So

again, you can you can add in, I’m sorry, and the last two or three words, always just add an inflection up so that it becomes you’re actually reflecting what they just said. You’re mirroring what they just said. But your tone of voice again is the one that creates the question. So part of what you’re doing here is you’re exploring, you’re checking to see what else is going on. It will help you understand the other. Identifying and labeling getting good at sometimes we were so immersed in our, in our emotions that we haven’t labeled them. We’re too busy being immersed in them. And so this is part of the The skill set the the emotional Life Fitness building this emotional, not just intelligence, my guess it’s building your intelligence. But that seems funny, building your fitness, your emotional fitness is so that you label something. So as you hear somebody saying, I’m saying making a comment. And it’s to do with something if they like or they don’t like or they’re thinking about or they would prefer anything to do with their inclination towards something you can respond by, it seems like it seems like that you’re uncomfortable with that, or it seems like that’s you really liked that idea. Or it sounds like you’re not going to be getting that done. They might have said, Well, I’ll get onto that later on this week. And you might say, Well, it sounds like you’re not really that interested in getting it done. And then see what happens. Because what you’ve done there in that moment, is to unearth in a way, an emotional response that they either weren’t, it wasn’t conscious in their mind. Or they were trying to bury it. Either way, when you identify it in that way, they go, Oh, they heard me or they caught me. The other The point is, they’re going to they are going to feel heard, at least. So you’re hearing them. And they’re feeling heard. So this labeling process, that’s a skill. And those three, it seems like it sounds like it looks looks like other simple words, to help you on Earth, those emotions. So again, what I put down here, don’t feel the pain, label it, empathize, don’t sympathize. It’s their pain, not yours, or it’s their feeling their emotion, not yours. But the important thing is that you’re noticing that you’re hearing that you’re aware. And you’re letting them know. So those are the two that I really want you to pay attention to this week, where possible and to utilize those two, as much as you can. And the first few days of the week, you might even you might not even identify places that you can, that you can mirror or label. So part of it is going to be finding those places and and to do it when it doesn’t when the stakes are not high. So just in everyday conversations, practice doing these little practice these little skills, because you want to have these skills more honed in when the stakes are more clear. So that’s why your homework this week will be to practice those two especially. You can always practice silence at any time. But again, just hear the cool thing is that vital, vital silence, it’s important to allow people to give them the time to respond. And there is a tendency as you know that, you know, we people don’t like silence. So if you hold that space, if you hold that space,

they will be drawn to fill it with something. So if you’ve set them up with your mirroring, and your labels so that they feel heard or seen. And then you’re waiting, you’ve created that space, then they will come in usually with something that you didn’t know that can be helpful in understanding better understanding the other so that then you can move forward with a more with some of these other skills. But anyway, vital science effective silence effective pauses, time for processing time for the cascade of emotion, a moment hormones and chemicals and Our system. And sometimes it’s time for our slow brain to catch up to what’s going on underneath the surface. You know, so what you did, Marilyn, this week of taking the time, that’s okay. And recognizing that we do need time, sometimes that’s knowing yourself, and being smart enough to say, Okay, this is a really good idea. And I want to get back to you on that. That’s fine. Now, some situations, you can’t do that. And so you’re going to have to deal with it differently. But there is nothing wrong with knowing yourself and knowing that’s what you need. And then coming back, that’s part of the negotiation process. That’s part of knowing yourself trusting yourself.

Paraphrasing. So when you when you do paraphrasing is really comes to up to you listened, and well, so we’ll get into that. And we’ll make use of this in the empathy circles later on. But it’s really handing back to them saying what they’ve just said, but in in your words, but it’s showing that you’ve heard them. And so that’s part of the communication process that’s going on. But they know they’ve been heard. And the more they say, if you keep reflecting back to them, and paraphrasing what you’ve heard, they know you’ve been, they’ve been heard. And this is part of the empathy, the power of it’s, it’s a key piece, two, allowing empathy to do its work. So paraphrasing what somebody has just said, but in their words, it’s different from labeling the emotion. But there’s similarities there. But it’s important to be able to paraphrase what a person just said. And then sometimes to tag on what that emotional label might be. So that you’re getting you’re capturing the the reality of what was said. And the depth of the emotion, the emotion that was coming through, when you put those two together, then that person feels heard, perhaps in more ways than they have been in a long time. How many day to day conversations do people have where the person listening reflects back what they’ve said, and how they felt? Do you think somebody might notice that might impact them? Might it shift the needle on the trust? Your trust needle being heard by another human being satisfied satisfies a profound core need in in each in ourselves? I can’t get out of the way of my words, can you see the words, this builds? This builds trust and rapport. I’m going to have to not put words on the down in the bottom right hand corner or something. Okay. So that’s paraphrasing, and then the summarizing or telling this story. So when you then are able to tell somebody’s story back to them, not not just one little snippet of it, but to tell this story. from their point of view, why is it important to do this? Because the goal of negotiation is not to get the person to say, yes. A lot of people think that that’s the point of negotiation, but that’s I but I agree with others that say that, getting to where they say, That’s right. When it’s there, they feel like yes, now, you understand me. And summarizing and telling this story uses paraphrasing. It uses the labels, and the key thing is to remember that this is not how you see them and what they’re just Telling you but to endeavor to tell their story from their point of view, from their point of view, now the important thing in in telling their story from their point of view, the really important thing is that you are not having to agree with this story. So empathy is not sympathy, empathy is not that you have to agree, it’s just that you need to understand. So that means you don’t have to buy into this story, you don’t have to agree with it, or even like it. And that’s probably most of the time, you’ll probably love people’s stories you probably love, you’re probably like the stories. But in a really, really high stakes difficult negotiation. You won’t agree with their story, their point of view, but you need to know how to tell it from their point of view. Because that is what will allow you to be the trusted partner, for them to work with on solutions. But it is important that you don’t have to buy into a story in order to be able to tell it. And that’s what will differentiate it really, really skilled negotiator in a high stakes situation, they can tell the story. And they know that that’s not they don’t believe it. They don’t buy into it. But they understand that story. So that’s that skill. Now, then we come to the guiding questions.

And, you know, these are Yes, they’re open ended, they’re not no yes, questions. More, most of these questions are going to start with how or what.

And you don’t always necessarily start with these unless the Unless, you know, maybe there’s not a whole lot of deep angst and stuff that has to be dealt with. And not all negotiations require that kind of very deep emotional stuff to be dealt with. You know, to be resolved somehow. But you you’re going to develop some of these guiding questions, that’s part of your preparatory work that you will, you will do, and that they become critical. But in its simplest method, simplest way, that very, very simply questions that are going to guide the discussion toward the outcomes that you are wanting. And so the how, how are we going to, on what should we do when, by also asking the other? Now, you’re setting up the question, therefore, back, in actual fact, guiding the discussion at the stage, when you ask this, this kind of a question, you’re guiding the discussion. However, you’re giving the other person in the sense that they’re in control? Because they’re the expert that you’re asking.

You’re asking them. And so in that moment, they’re the ones who are answering. So in that moment, they’re the ones who are the expert in that moment, they’re the ones being respected. So, this is also how you can turn problematic lines of thought or accusations. Now, if they may be coming back at you, if they angry at you and say, You want me to do this, how, how am I meant to do this? Bring me that by this this afternoon. And this is this is a good one for though, you know, when you’re in a in a, in a discussion with somebody in a you know, with a boss, sometimes, you know, in discussions with bosses, they’re asking you to do things that you know, they intended to be a good idea, but you know, it’s a bad idea. ever been in that situation? And sometimes you’re not quite sure. How do I tell them that’s a dumb idea. Well Don’t tell them it’s a dumb idea because that you know that that won’t work that goes over like a lead balloon. So, then you ask, Well, how am I meant to do that? How do you want me to do that? Get them into thinking about the pragmatics. And then you can begin to have more of a useful discussion. And, and there’ll be times when the bus all of it will say, Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea. But okay, well, so why don’t you do just what you are going to say that you’re going to do? Well, what or whatever, anyway, you’ll have your own experiences with those. But this is where those guiding questions can be really useful, especially in relation to authority figures, when they’re asking you to do unreasonable things that you know you can’t do and that are probably not good for anybody. How are we to do that? What should we do when another reason to ask? You can also ask, knowing that most people, and I’ll reiterate a number of these things from different perspectives later on, as well. But it’s important to also understand that no matter who an individual is that you’re dealing with, there’s always going to be some kind of a team behind them. It could be just their other significant other, it could be their other their other C suite, people, it could be their team members that they have to go back to and get on board. There are always other members of the team, even at the fundamental level, each one of us has a team of our family members, people who are interested in our well being people who are around us. So always remember to ask, you know, even things like so how, how are your, your peers? How is so and so going to deal with this? Or what are they, you know, what are they thinking? So, the what, and how questions are very important for guiding the conversation in a direction that is away from the problem that you see, but they might, they may not see that you see a problem. So you use it to guide away from those problems. And we’ll get more into these as we go deeper into into the course I statements again, just very, very quickly. This is when you This is when emotions run hot. It’s a way to get your your counterpart to open up or to you know, give yourself time to breathe. It’s a way to dial down the emotions and simply to make these kinds of if statements or give eye messages, which is when you do more say such and such, whatever it is that for you is counterproductive. It makes me feel whatever is you feeling mad, sad, glad, whatever your feeling is. And then because because that doesn’t help me or because that just doesn’t make sense to me or because whatever it is, but add a because

so that is another skill that is good to learn how to do. So the next time you stop to feel

the blood rush to your face. One of the ways to take a pause can be when you say

you’re stupid. It makes me feel mad. Because I know I’m not and you’re dissing me, I feel belittled by you, whatever it is. So the point there is to not just accuse the other person for being a dummy. But to point out that aspect of their behavior and its impact on you. It just creates a different foundation for going forward. It can be a verbal version of taking, you know of a vital silence encourages I think everybody knows these. Mm hmm hmm yeah, really Ah ha, it nothing worse than being on the end of the phone and somebody says to you, you still there. Somehow we just need the feedback, you’re really listening, really listening. So again, part of it when we’re in these important relationships or even in a relationship, pay attention, be present. As you can see, some of these are really not huge in lead notice, but it’s just important to understand they all have a role in the work of a negotiator. And again, then the final one that we got to is understanding Yes. that’s meant to be not I heard, yes, but I heard Yes. But it seems like there was hesitation in your voice. You know, it’s it’s kind of like there’s a first Yes. Is somebody gonna say yeah, yeah, yeah. never heard anybody say? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Was that a commitment? Hmm. The next one is? Yeah, yeah. That’s, that’s, that’s, that’s good. That’s really? Yeah, you got it? Is that a commitment? It’s more than the first one. But it’s not a it’s not a commitment. And so the next level of Yes, is Yeah, when they Yes. When they really are. committed that when it when it becomes a commitment. Now, I’m putting in here mastering No, to get to a real Yes, this process of getting to Yes, we’ll go into a little bit more detail in another in I think that’s going to be week four, more in depth. But the key point here is that there is a skill in taking transitioning people from, from an from a recognition of an interest, you know, to recognition of something to an interest to a commitment, and that is a journey. And a negotiation is not completed until you’ve heard all three. But remembering that people are on a journey, and negotiation is a journey. It’s not just it’s that whole path. That’s a whole pathway. It’s not just an instantaneous moment, and switching, flipping a switch. So that’s basically the those 10 skills, we are going to move into the, what I’m calling the prime mover, which is empathy, and we’ll get to our empathy circles. But before we do that, do you have any questions on any of this for now, mostly, I just wanted to get through that list of skills. So that in the back of your mind as we talk about different things, then you got a reference point for understanding that. But any questions in the meantime?

Probably no, probably no earth shattering most of you have heard about imessages before and, and ha ha ha, aha, and silence and reflective listening and all of these things. I bet you never thought that’d be part of negotiating. Yes, I think the the most important thing is putting these together, like systematizing because we all learn from here to there and we apply it in different moments, but to systematize in a habit in order. And it is like a checklist on top of when you go out and you can check on your own way of doing the things becomes a very interesting checklist also. And I was thinking as I do it in couples, you can throw these bees skills to them also. Absolutely. Which is very interesting. You’ll be skills are like asking them, did you hear the story? Can you point the main things or vice versa, and to help them to bring those skills for them. It helps a lot. A lot. Also in Brookes, no, but they, I made some exercises. But this is like very precise like going A B C no like reminders of things that cannot be missed. And you can apply all of them in one session, you will, you may need them in one session of negotiation. All these skills is not there, they’re not separate.

Now, they’re all there in a way. Rather than a rather than a list, it probably should be drawn out as a spokes of a wheel that are all kind of interconnected.

It’s like a web garden liner. It’s like a web of skills, all of them, you need them. You cannot miss one of them. That’s the interest. So not in the least, but wet, like a wave of skills that you need.

And that’s part. Yeah, that’s part of the challenge. As when, when we learn in these environments, we do tend to Okay, well look at this now. And then we’ll look at this, and then we’ll look at this. But yeah, the important thing is to remember that it’s a it is a web, it is like spokes of a wheel, they’re all interconnected. You can’t really tease them apart. But our logical brain, it helps for our executive function, to have this clarity of understanding that kind of list. So

yes, that they that think it helps, but I would love to see like in a circle, or in another.

Oh, that’s easy. I mean, I get encouraged to put things in a line. I did, I tend to think in terms of absurd circle cycles. Actually, I don’t, I tend to think in spirals. But that’s, that’s another another meta so. And to me, so when you look at a spiral from one angle, it’s a circle from another angle. It’s you know, it, it has a direction. It has a you know, a forward motion. But anyway, that’s all. Thank you. Yeah. And I will, I will gladly make a very nice, round diagram of that one.

Again, not at the beginning, but at the end. Because, yeah, really, you cannot miss none of them when you are. everything can happen in a negotiation. Right. Very interesting. Thank you. Yeah. Yes, Patrick?

Yeah, no, I had, the thing that kind of stood out for me was the identifying and labeling in because I find I get caught up in my emotions or in what my intention is, and then you know, the next day or later I can get the perspective. But this like, being able to do it in the moment, just seems to me to be critically important that I can that I can understand what’s happening with me emotionally, and also be able to identify what’s happening with the other person like, what what is causing them to say that what what emotion is causing them to say that. So then I respond differently. If it’s just like, vague if it’s an unclear emotion and clear feelings, that you’re not really specifically, understanding where it’s coming from, it just seems like that’s, that’s just so easy to make mistakes then and what you say and how you walk through that.

Yeah, and to ensure that in addition to the labeling, you keep that curiosity component. So I’d have to say if there was one emotion that is really, really needed throughout the negotiation process, it is of curiosity. So that we don’t lock anybody including ourselves into anything, but to keep open the possibility of something new. And that’s what it seemed, and then they can respond. And then then they might correct us about what what we labeled. Yeah. But also, it could come from a new place, because then maybe they’d never even seen themselves that way before either. And so they’re even going through their own little process of, of new insight about themselves. And then they can add into that something new that you didn’t see about them. So then, but the whole point there is it’s intuitive, and keeping that curiosity as as a fundamental piece of who you are. That’s why at the beginning, I said identify yourself as a scientist or an explorer or a detective, to keep your mind open, and keep that curiosity alive through out the process. So they’re all little aha moments. And there’s something more and more and more and more. Thank you, Patrick. Yeah. Yeah. And that that’s the skill as we as we practice doing this. Because it Yeah, as you notice, it can be hard in the moment to identify that emotion because it takes a little reflection, saying, Well, what was I? What was I really feeling, and then, and then to label it, and then even to disagree with ourselves or to disagree with the other, it takes some time. But that we engage in that process is what keeps things moving, and moving forward. So it’s always it’s exploratory, or everything that that every bit of information is, is exactly is that, that it’s feedback. In that sense, there is no failure in in any of this. It’s all information for feedback, that helps us then move forward in a new way.

It seems to me that to be a good negotiator, we have to have the the the skills of psychologists, the bit of psychologist a bit of a coach, a bit of a therapist, so, um, and all combined. And well, I like the part that practicing the vital silence and, you know, getting getting into the habit of identifying and looking for the spaces in places and paraphrasing, I think, not just in in a formal negotiation, whether at work or it really basic in relationships at home, I think it’s very useful skills. Yep.

these are these are essential life skills and even more essential for leaders. Yeah. Yeah. That we are human.

Yeah, they, they’re good to have.

Okay, so um, now, for the rest of today, it’s very simple. I mean, in reality, I’ve got the homework, I’ve already kind of set you up for your homework, to mostly really to think about

the the to,

to look for ways in your day to day, just in your day to day. Again, it’s kind of this concept of low stakes practice, for high stakes rewards, you need to be able to practice when your life doesn’t depend on it, so that when your life does depend on it, you know, you’ve actually got your skills in place. And, yes, these skills, as you just said, morally, are really helpful in everyday life. So, you know, so get to practice them. So first of all, try to just learn to look for places where you can practice these skills. So even just beginning to see where you can use them is, is almost a first step. Because Yeah, getting the eyes for it, the the ears for it, the heart for it. So then the first technique is to try to get comfortable with is mirroring. And so that really just means repeat the last few words that they say back to them. And to remember that at the end of it, you simply have an inflection that goes up. And then to learn to identify and label your counterparts, words to show them that you’re attempt to understand the position they’re in that you’re you’re hearing, you’re hearing them and those those emotions, you’re hearing their pain, you’re hearing their discomfort, you’re hearing their uncertainty, you’re hearing their, their their sadness, whatever it might be. So use those labels. So that’s your home homework, low stakes practice for high stakes rewards. So the rest of today, we’re going to break now we’ve got 1234567, we’ve got seven people. What we might do here is breaking because we don’t have a lot a lot of time. break into two groups. One of it’ll be one to four and one of three. And so are you ready to do did Everybody listen or see the video about me sir? And it’s just in a way, it’s just very simple that one person will will start, just identify a topic of some kind. And it could just be, it could be something that happened last week, or it could be something that’s on your heart. And so then you’re going to start talking your, your job is just to talk about it, it’s going to be one person who’s so that you’re going to have one person who can kind of just be the facilitator, one person who’s going to speak, and one person who’s going to be the main reflective listener.

So the main dynamic that’s going to go on and then and then we just trade places and go around the room.

So the person who speaks, don’t speak for too long, because the other person’s got to be able to paraphrase what you just said. So it’s not tell that this is not telling the whole story, but it’s breaking it down into small chunks, saying something that allow the person who’s reflecting, and then then you get to say yes or no, or, well, that wasn’t quite what I meant, whatever it is, and then the person reflected back back to them again. So this is part this is practice of the, that we will each have of listening and paraphrasing. And what we’re going to be doing is listening also for for those emotions, and it’s so that each one can have the experience of being heard. And I want you to notice what that experience is like, how it impacts you.

So, um, shall we, I think just, we’re going to create two breakout rooms and it who takes on which role, it doesn’t matter. We’ll take about, let’s say we have about five minutes. Judging on time, if we’ve got four in a room.

Well, we’ll take five minutes for each person. So it’s not going to be optimal. It would be nice if it were longer, but I think we’ll just do it that way. So we’ll jump into into rooms, and then just decide who’s going to do what as quickly as you can. So breakout rooms. Let’s we’re going to create two and I’m just going to let

we’re just going to get drafted by zoom and we will I don’t think we’re going to be recording in these rooms, but that’s okay. So, I will pull everybody back, right around the top of the hour. Okay. Any questions?


turn your mics on, get ready for it. You’ll see a notice and just go and jump on into the room. Okay, so I think the others will all be coming back in again shortly.

It’s really interesting. It makes you It forces you to tune in to listen to people so that you can mirror back. Yeah, I think it’s important skills really.

And we realize that we, we don’t always do it that well. And so it does require practice. So

yeah, I really noticed my own like, as Beverly was talking just I’m already thinking about what she’s about what she was saying. It’s a, it’s really difficult to actually just totally focus on listening. So I feedback from her Welcome back, everybody. Just it was,

it was probably way too short. And if we can get some extra moments in, in the course of the next few weeks to do this, again, it might be fun to do. or useful, not just fun, but useful, meaningful. It, I think it does help help us see ourselves, and some of the things that we can do a little bit better. So I’m open at this stage, you know, your homework, the time is up. So if anybody has to leave, I understand. beyond that. If anybody you’d like to just unmute, and then feedback from our little group, I jumped in a little bit late, I couldn’t go in automatically, so

I had to come in on the phone. But anyway, so I eventually got into the other room.

But if anybody’s got any feedback from their experience, just a few minutes, it wasn’t long enough. But interesting experience.

So I thank you, everyone, I get to leave because I have another meeting. Thank you. And I’ll see you next week. And next week, it’s going to be

fun, and I didn’t get to answer your question. So I absolutely love the program. Okay, bye. Bye.

Yeah, it was it was very good. I really I really liked the didn’t like it really having to be challenged about active listening, because it’s really it’s it is really so natural. And like Beverly was saying that she’s she’s kind of a fixer. And for me too, as a teacher also, it’s like, you’re constantly looking for ways of interjecting or guiding or instructing and so it’s, it’s a whole different thing to just step back and listen, really actively listen, hear what the person is saying without feeling the need to interject some advice or instruction in there that was really good and challenging. To put yourself in another mindset? Yeah.

If this is a

skill that needs to be that needs to be actively and intentionally developed

we’ll have to have some schedule some practice times beyond this, but yeah, any other comments from the others in the other room?

I found it helpful. I was the listener and and then reflecting back and I, I could see how they I didn’t have so much difficulty listening but then getting the clarity, right allowing the conversation to say, Oh no, this is this is actually what it is and then being able to go a little bit Further, and was really helpful not getting in the way of like, what I think it means that it was like getting that clarification through the process of what is actually being expressed was really helpful.

Okay. Thank you so much. Yes, I will talk to you later. Okay, thanks, everyone.

For, for me in the exercise was great to feel the difference, the pure differences net good or bad, but the difference of two different a listeners It was a great experience to feel I, I’ve, I’ve never, of course I for years, I haven’t been in this space. I took the I told them I’m going to share it was great, something of this week, but they’re being there in the experience of how you feel. We do two different ways of listening. I think well, it cetera sure of the exercise that I think they’re both right, with different feeling both right? Depends on what you need, maybe know the need that you have as early as a person, but I think it’s from where it comes out. If If you want to understand what’s happening, or you want to be connected to the feeling of what it’s happening in both are good, depending on what the person needs. Thank you. And thank you.

Well, um, so I think it’s already five after I’m going to close the lesson. And I really do look forward to seeing you all next week, and hearing your experiences with mirroring and labeling. And then I will get into some more of the tactical, here’s some specific types of situations, here are some specific steps that you can take. And beyond that, we’ll also do the preparatory work for the how to prepare for some of the bigger, bigger negotiations. But some of the preparatory stuff is useful for almost any any kind of negotiation. So with that, I look forward to seeing you all next week. Thank you very much for joining us and they index Thursday. Don’t forget to do your low stakes practice for high stakes rewards everybody, bye bye.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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